While we doctors are puzzling over squiggles on ECG traces, prescribing IV nystatin and ordering MR scans for patients with metal implants there are a bunch of people in the background quietly observing what’s going on.

Porters, students, secretaries and canteen staff see the other side of hospital medicine. We’ve asked them to tell all.

‘JOANNE’
SWITCHBOARD WORKER (LONDON)

I’ve been working at switchboard for the past eighteen years. I’m actually the most senior member on the team but I still prefer night shifts.

They tend to be much quieter and it suits my life a little better. My husband passed away a few years ago and it’s better to spend days alone at home than nights. Besides, you get more time off if you opt for more nights.

The shifts are twelve hours long and start at eight in the evening. We have a handover-much like doctors and nurses. Are all the bleeps up to date? Have the crash call tests worked fine? Are there any locum doctors on call?

As the hospital is quite a small district general there’s only one person on nights. This can get pretty lonely but it’s usually so quiet that it means I can snooze off for a few hours without too much interruption.

We deal with the unusual things here on a daily basis. We have doctors locked out of their rooms, nurses complaining of cockroaches and people always order pizza on night shifts and get it sent here. It usually ends up cold but they often offer me a slice when then turn up to collect it.

One of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with was when all the bleeps stopped working for a night. We had to make sure that we knew exactly where all the key doctors were overnight - just like the days before pagers. The medical and anaesthetic registrars also had two-way radios so I could call them in an emergency.

By one or two in the morning things usually quieten down and I move over to the sofa that we have in our room. I still have my headset on and a remote wireless unit. Using wi-fi I can then sort out the basic things like bleeping people and connecting others to extensions without having to even get up from the couch. It’s amazing what modern technology can do for you if you know how to use it.

It’s funny how many excuses we get about broken bleeps. Replacing them costs over two hundred pounds a go  and we try to charge for instances when it’s clearly the doctor’s fault. They get around it by making up things like ‘it was damaged when I dropped it running to a crash call’ and ‘a nurse spilt some fluid onto it’.

Things get a little busier by the time sun comes up and people start coming into work. I try and get a cooked breakfast on my way home and then go straight to sleep. I always turn my mobile and landline off when I get in. I’ve had to deal with enough ringing overnight and can’t face it anymore. I drift off to sleep as soon as I can and sometimes dream of doctors throwing their bleeps around the corridors in a weird game of ‘bleep-rugby’. Sometimes they offer me pizza.